Name-it to Tame-it

In a recent professional development course that I attended, I was alerted to the concept of “Name it to Tame it”. This resonated with me so much that I now incorporate this simple exercise into my mediation practice.

The theory, created by Dr. Daniel Siegel, goes something like this:

There is a neurological component to stress and anxiety.  The executive part of the brain does not work when there are strong emotions in play. The result is akin to rational thought lockdown. How is one meant to work through conflict in this state of thoughtful paralysis?

In order to restore balance, it has been proven that if you take a step back and ‘name it’, for example: I am feeling threatened; scared; cornered; insecure -  the executive part of the brain sifts through and categorizes your emotions. Yes, just by naming it!

When clients are stuck in emotions, there is no way forward.  By recognizing this, pausing and identifying the emotion, clients will more easily reach their goal. The executive part of the brain must be fully engaged in order to reach a meaningful agreement in Mediation.

Is your lawyer sympathetic?

Separation and divorce are life-altering events.  Emotional highs and lows are most always unavoidable.  It is crucial, at this time, to have faith in your lawyer. Do you trust that professional to help you navigate through these turbulent times.

Every family situation is unique and every party is unique.  As a Lawyer and Family Mediator, it is imperative that the path choose for my clients is well thought out, having regard not only to the adults, but the children, too.  With my clients, we evaluate the pros and cons of mediating the issues and negotiating a fair settlement, prior to resorting to a more litigious course of action.

For me, seeing spouses work through their differences and reach resolution is extremely rewarding.

While no one can ever walk in the shoes of another, having personally gone through the journey of divorce, when my three children were very young, I possess a heightened sense of empathy that I pass on to clients.

Don't Let Your Divorce Define You

There is no question that divorce is one of life’s most challenging events; dreams are shattered and your heart is in a state of seeming disrepair, and when you add children to the equation you are faced with a situation that may appear insurmountable…

The thought of putting ’one foot in front of the other’ and facing each new day can be nothing but an exhausting uphill battle.  The idea of trusting again, and certainly of finding new love, may be the furthest thing from your mind. 

 All the literature and all the advice points to the same findings – it’s okay to feel sad, and it’s okay to feel anger with the loss you are experiencing.  Allow yourself the time to experience your emotions.  Keep your friends and family close.  Get the help and support you need.  Accept the loss.  Take on a new hobby.  Spend some time alone.  Create a new you.

Enjoy time with your children; you are their support and they need time to accept this life change.  Listen to them, acknowledge their concerns and offer reassurance about a bright future.  Think of what you want for your children.  Ultimately, you want them to see you happy and fulfilled. 
Create a new working relationship with your ex-spouse.  Keep all lines of communication open and remind yourself that it is in your children’s best interest for parents to maintain a solid, professional co-parenting relationship.

You will know when it’s time to begin dating again.  If you are a parent, this can be tricky but engaging in a new relationship, when the time is right, may be the greatest testament to love and commitment. Your children will come to realize that this is the foundation used to bring them into this world. It’s okay that your children see that you can be happy and once again, emotionally fulfilled by another adult.

Sometimes, children assume the heavy burden of being responsible for a parent’s happiness after the separation has occurred, and this is a tragic mistake. When your children see you happy, they will ultimately be unleashed from feeling responsible for your happiness. 

Remember that whereas feeling pity and loss may have no defined time frame, life does.  Divorce is only one chapter in your very own ‘book of life’ and it is crucial not to allow this life occurrence to define you. 

It is not your final chapter. 

The NEW Family Law Act Encourages Mediation

Family mediation is an excellent way to by-pass a system that for years, has had judges make rulings for families based on their own sense of what is right and fair, and based on precedence that is, in and of itself, subjective and case specific.

The new Family Law Act which will come into effect on March 18, 2013 emphasizes the value and great potential in family law mediation. 
Under the new Act, section 8 (2) sets out that the professional must:

 • discuss with the party the advisability of using various types of family dispute resolution (which is now a defined term in the  Act) to resolve the matter, and

 • inform the party of the facilities and other resources, known to the family dispute resolution professional, that may  be available to assist in resolving the matter.

Under the current Family Relations Act, the court cannot impose mandatory mediation on separating couples.  However, the new Statute not only encourages dispute resolution by defining it in the Act, but gives the court the right to impose mandatory mediation in certain circumstances.

It is time for families to maintain control of their destiny with the assistance of trained, neutral, third party mediators who can assist in creative, legally sound solutions for separating families, in less time and for a fraction of the cost.

Introducing Lisa Sirlin, Family Mediator...

Over 60% of families in British Columbia will somehow be affected by Separation and Divorce, but how each family experiences this reality varies with some significance. For most, the road ahead looks daunting, particularly when children are involved.  The cost of divorce, both emotionally and financially are immeasurable.

First thing – you are not alone. 

You will find that if you start ‘polling’, everyone will have a "divorce story" for you, either their own or some one else's unpleasant experience. People will give you advise and tell you how to handle yourself and your  situation: leave the house, don’t leave the house, get a tough lawyer, file papers, change the locks, empty the accounts, and the list goes on.

The reality is that there is no one situation that parallels yours.  Relationships are varied -- no two are alike.  There is no such a thing as a ‘normal’ divorce; “normal is a setting on a dryer”. 

Only you know the situation, only you know your partner, only you know your children, only you know your financial picture and really, only you know why the relationship ended and only you know what you need and want - moving forward. 
There are Laws that surrounds you and a framework within which you must operate, but it is ultimately you and your partner who, if cool heads prevail, can come up with an Agreement that suits your own particular needs and circumstances.

I began this blog in the hope that I can impart on you the true benefit of Family Mediation.  From both a personal and a professional point of view, I firmly believe that if separating couples can enter into the process of mediation, the result will be a mutually satisfactory Agreement that takes into account the uniqueness of your own family. 

As a divorced mother of 3, who did not have the opportunity to mediate, I acknowledge that sitting in a room with a soon to be ‘ex’, is not for everyone.  However, if you and your partner have the ability to sit in a room with one another, listen to each other, flush out emotions, brainstorm and put your children first - Mediation will lead to resolution and ultimately, satisfaction in knowing that you 'created' the solution.
As a quick introduction, let me say that I am a recently remarried mother with three children, ages 12, 14, and 16.  I have spent most of their life single parenting and I understand the woes of divorce like no others. 

I have been working in the area of family law for over 8 years. In addition to a Law Degree from the University of British Columbia, I am currently a Family Mediator and a member of Family Mediation Canada.   I have successfully worked with many separating and divorcing couples and have assisted them in navigating through the process.   There is no greater professional satisfaction then watching couples bridge their gaps and resolve matters in the most cost effective ways.

If you have questions about mediation, and about the divorce process, I am here to guide you.  Please do not hesitate to call or email me.