Lone Parenting

When faced with the end of a relationship involving children, a bulk of the literature focuses on co-parenting, on how to work together, in a joint custodial situation, in order to parent.   The focus seems to be on mutual respect, open communication and consistency...it all sounds so easy.

Reality bites when you are alone and faced with the endless situations that require quick judgment, otherwise known as parenting.

The best bet is to focus on each specific situation -- in isolation.  Sometimes, looking at the big picture can be overwhelming and may cause feelings of incompetence.  My suggestion: tackle one play at a time.

It is important to remember that you can only be the best you can be.  It is easy to blame the other parent – the spouse who walked out, the partner who inflicted the situation on the family – but none of that is useful.  There is no dry run to parenting.  It moves in real time. Do not blame the other parent and try not to focus on what may be said about you. Rather, channel your energy into growth and self-betterment.

If you are the mom, be the mom.  If you are the dad, be the dad. Do not think that you have to adapt qualifications of the other parent.  You don’t. 

I recall, some time ago, feeling personal guilt because I could not be a dad to my son.   I honestly believed that I had to be 50% mom and 50% dad.  All that did was split the quality of my role in half.  I could not adapt the traits and abilities of my ex spouse.   I was in constant defeat.  I could not throw the ball the same, I could not fix things around the house, I could not toss my son up in the air and rough play the same way his dad could.  I failed at almost every attempt and began feeling silly trying.

Then, I realized, I did not have to be his dad.  I was his mom.  He knew that and so did I.  Eventually, I quit the notion that I had to be someone I was not.  If time with mom meant more movies, more time shopping for groceries, or doing endless errands, that was okay.  In the time we were together, he received from me only the love I knew how to give, naturally, and the attention I could give him in my own way. 

I recall a male client telling me that he felt overwhelmed when his daughters were around.  He could not do their hair in the mornings before school, and they complained about how he dressed them.  He did not see himself as a great cook and was constantly comparing himself to their mom. By letting go of the notion that there was any standard in which he needed to measure up to, he was able to be a better parent.

You children will forgive your ‘inadequacies’ and in time, will appreciate your uniqueness.  Essentially, understand who you are and your role as an individual parent and only fulfill that role, to the best of your ability.  That is success.